This site is becoming a good place for me to write. And I have been doing a good job of writing every day. But I have been writing My Life stories, astrology and tarot. What I haven’t been writing is personal things. And I might from time to time but I am starting to feel like this is not the best place to express my feelings and emotions. Today was really a downer day for me. And I kind of needed it, but I wasn’t very productive as a result. I always expect to get so much done every day. I only had today off, and now I go back to work for two more days. Then one day off. I hate splits. Anyway, what I wanted to say is I am thinking about moving my touchy feely posts more the Livejournal. I still have a blog there which has not been getting much use.
This is being posted later today, sorry. And there is a lot to cover. The moon is in Scorpio today. A sign connected to death, and the other world. Scorpio rules over the end of the pagan year. It is a deeply internal sign. But also a passionate one. Today our emotions come from a deep place. We feel the power to change. We can change ourselves. And we can change our world. We may find a passion hiding deep inside. Early in the morning there is a conjunction. The sun and Neptune align. This boosts your creative energy. If you have found a new passion. Then you can use this to brainstorm ways to follow it. Neptune is also a deep connection. It is a place where we bond with each other. We find our voice. But a square between the moon and Venus could add a block. There is no good and no bad. We don’t feel social. And maybe we think differently about our values. Venus is in Aquarius. A sign which promotes thinking outside the box. Our new focus may demand new values. Or at least a change in old ones. Pluto is the ruler of Scorpio. And it forms a sextile with the moon early afternoon. This supports a deep change going on inside our hearts. This is really a day of change, if you allow it to be one. Pluto is the furthest planet – and spends the longest in each sign. It reflects changes we go through as a species, as a planet. And it enables us to make a change to create a better world. Pluto is in Capricorn. A sign which encourages us to play it big. Jupiter is next to the party. This jovial planet is sextile the moon. Expect optimism. But try to stay grounded. Jupiter can give you so much faith you over look important doubts. Or you fail to plan. Believe you can do anything, and then focus on how to get it done. Jupiter can make focus on details hard. The last aspect of the day is moon with Mercury. This square slows your thoughts. At the end of a day where so much has been changing. This can be healthy. We need to slow our minds. Take a moment to look back on the day. Reflect on any changes we made. Or maybe changes we didn’t make. Ask ourselves if we took the right path afterall. Because there is no going back. But tomorrow a new path awaits. Remember only love is real.
I love living in Yosemite. It was a place I could have lived forever. If I could have been happy with less.
The first night there I stayed in a dorm by the Ahwahnee hotel. A grand building with a long history. My mother spent the night in a nearby room. In the morning we had breakfast. New places are always fresh. But also uncertain. This one reminded me of my first days at college. But I was ready. The land around me was amazing and I wanted to explore. My job was the worst. Well, not at first.
The first day at my job I don’t recall. But I was the pot washer. And sometimes I also washed the dishes. There was a long dish machine. You put the dishes in and they came out clean. Only a few dishes needed more attention.
There was an older black man who was also a dish washer. We became friends. At the end of the night we had to spray the floor with water. And the use a squeegee to dry. I’m not sure why, but we all bought our own valve for the hose. Sometimes I would borrow his.
I hated the job. It was all the things I hate. It was too much. Piles and piles of pots and pans every night. They wanted them clean and fast. It was wet. I worked with two or three sinks and a sprayer to get the pots and pans clean. It was dirty. The food and grease never came off for days at a time. And it was worst of all maybe, loud. The pot room had its own machine and it made a lot of noise. It was worse because of the size of the room.
It was always a scramble for me. Maybe because I was not good at the job. Scrub, wash and rinse. Then put the pots and pans in the machine. Run the machine. Scrub, wash and rinse. Then take the pots and pans out and place them on the shelf. It took a lot out of me and I hated almost every day. The days I got to work the dish machine were the best.
Over time like other jobs I learned other positions. First was the dish machine. Then serving hot food to the customers. It was cafeteria style dining. And eventually I became a cashier as well, and worked in the coffee corner. This was all in my first job in the park.
Another person I became friends there was a manager. His name was Joe. At one point he gave me a phone number. Told me he had a boat in L.A. and I could stay on it anytime I needed. I took the number and lost it. It was funny because I knew I would lose the number. And I thought even if I didn’t what are the chances it would work out.
It was while working in the pot room still I spotted Lisa. She was one of the managers there, but she was cute. It was my secret for a long time.
When not at work I spent my time in my room. After the first night I moved to a small cabin. And I had the coolest roommate, Jordan. The room was 11′ by 11′ if I remember right. And we each had our side of the room. There was one door and a window on each side. My side was crowded with my things. There was much less than now, but still a lot of stuff. His side at first was meager. Over time he brought more into the room.
The computer and the TV were mine. This was the first time in my life I had consistent access to the internet. For a short time living with my mother I had access, but it was poor quality. A free dial-up service. But this was high-speed internet. And I got DISH TV. Though the climate in the valley caused untold number of problems with the service.
I don’t think I ever did anything outside the room with Jordan. But we would watch cartoons together. He used my computer and TV with my permission. Like all roommates we didn’t get along all the time. But more often than not. Like me, he is a very creative person. An individual who doesn’t fit into any one box.
I also started hiking in my time off. When I lived in Silver Lake I got into the habit of hiking in sandals. In Yosemite this became even worse. Image you leave to for food. But on the way you change your mind and think of taking a short hike. Starting down the trail you never plan to go far, but then you keep going and going. It happened to me a couple times. I hiked all the major trails in the valley. And a few which weren’t on the map.
This is what I loved the most about Yosemite. Being able to step out the door and take a hike. There was a free bus service in the valley. Most people did not have cars, or did not drive. I walked to work on most days to be out in the air. The bus only ran during the day, but a van would do pick-ups and drop-offs after hours. Yosemite is the perfect place for some people to live.
You get paid a decent wage. It is a union job, which some like and some do not like. You can buy the meal plan, they take a small amount out of your check every week and you eat at the cafeteria. The food is cafeteria food. Rent is taken out of your check, a small amount. Mine was $16 every two weeks. And then the rest is yours. You can choose to buy phone service and TV like me. But if you didn’t you would have no bills. You could spend all your money, and not worry about anything except showing up to work to keep your job. A lot of young people and temporary workers from other countries worked in the park.
After a couple months working in the dish room I knew I had enough. After almost getting fired for taking some bread it was time for a change. The next job I worked was at the tour desk. There was a tram which did a tour of the valley floor. It was our basic tour. Then a couple other tours were available by bus.
My job was simple. Make reservations and sell tickets. Then when the tram came go out and collect the tickets. It was on one of these tours I met Leonard Cohen. I had spied his name on a co-worker’s screen. Then I saw him, I thought it was him. At the time I just didn’t know for sure. And my mind couldn’t come up with the right words. He was there with other people. I took his ticket and he left on the tour. But I wish I had said, “thanks for inspiring me.”
This job only lasted for the summer. Due to the fact the tour desk closed for most of the year. People are keen to tour in the rain and snow. After this job I went back to the cafeteria. I’m not sure what my job title was going back. I know I cashiered and worked in the coffee corner and served food. But I wasn’t a pot washer, or dish washer. I may have helped out from time to time.
Eventually I got the job hosting at the fine restaurant in the lodge. It was an easy job. Take reservations and seat people as they came to eat. The wait staff had areas and our job was to seat people evenly throughout those areas. But they would never be happy enough. Once doing this job a guy gave me $20 to bump him to the top of the line. But there really wasn’t a long wait. For kids we had crayons and a coloring picture. Part of my job was to wrap those crayons, when itw as slow. But it got busy at times and then the manager would come and help.
It was a good job, and I liked the hours. But when the cashier job at the restaurant opened I changed jobs again. Working as the cashier I was right next to the service bar. And I learned a little about keeping bar and serving drinks. One night when they were short I did both jobs. But probably not very well. But being a cashier is stressful for me because I always want to be perfect. And I was most of the time. The other stress was time. It was a six hour shift, but if I went over I would get in trouble. Because the law said I couldn’t work more than six hours without a lunch. I never wanted the lunch because I would then have to be at work six and a half hours.
When a manager job came open I applied. But I didn’t get the job. Feeling a little stuck and ready for change I requested a new job. The next job I worked was with housekeeping. No, I didn’t have to clean rooms. But a quick story about the restaurant. After switching to cashier I had continued to wrap crayons when I was not doing anything else. Also since they got busy before I did, I would help them seat people. A short time before I was moved from the job the manager asked me to stop wrapping the crayons. She explained the host staff wasn’t doing it anymore and needed to start. Then a couple days later they asked me to stop helping with seating. This was the managers job (not the position I applied for) and he wasn’t doing it anymore. It was kind of funny.
In housekeeping I had the second worst job in the park. My job was two-fold. First was to stock all the closets for the housekeepers. And second was to go around and pick up the dirty linen. It sounds harmless enough but I never was able to catch up. And a big part of the problem was the main person doing the job was a slacker. When I came back I always had to make up for work he did not do. This job drove me crazy because it was so hard for me. I tried as hard as I could and had a complete breakdown.
In the end I broke a window and got fired. I went home and bought some alcohol and sleeping pills. It was one of the lowest points in my life. But things work out for the best even in the darkest of moments. I didn’t take the sleeping pills, even though it was a thought in my mind for days.
I packed up my things. I moved to Stockton. I started college again. And I found a place to live and two jobs over the weekend. My life was going in a new direction. While living in Yosemite I had saved a fair amount of money and was able to afford some nice things.
Over the years I have thought many times about going back to Yosemite. And there are a few more chapters coming about my time in the park. But in the end I don’t want to share a box with a roommate. The bathroom and the kitchen were both separate at the time. Though there are new dorms now. If I went back I would have to be a manager because I don’t want to work for the union. And I would want more money than I was making at the time. It just didn’t and doesn’t feel like a place to live. There is a limited potential for growth. While I was there I loved it more than anything. And I saved money. But like when I lived on the streets: a time came for change.
There is a lot to cover for Friday. The moon first squares Pluto. This could bring mood swings. We feel a lack of flow today. There is a desire to express something deep. But it isn’t easy. And today it could be even harder. Take the time to think. To explore what you feel. Plan what you want to say. Tomorrow the moon will enter Scorpio. A sign which thrives on secrets. The next aspect is a trine with Mercury and the moon. This gives some common sense. We talk freely with those around us. The moon in Libra adds to our social feelings. And for some this will make it hard to not try to express deeper feelings. But today is not the day. This becomes more clear as Uranus opposes the moon. We become unmoored. Emotions could be changing fast. But mostly on the surface. Those who take their time will feel what is true. Those who don’t may get lost. And mislead others. The last aspect is with Uranus and Mercury. They form a sextile in the afternoon. Our minds are racing, If we can get down some of the ideas on paper we can come back to them. But don’t try to hold them too long today.
It had been years since she left. Walked out of her bedroom door. And never came back. He still lived in the same house. Alone.
The door was there all those years. And the room behind it. But it was a sacred space. A room to secret while she was in it to even visit now. At times when the dark night got lonely he imagined she was there still. Sitting on the other side of the door.
He would recall the music coming through the wall. She listened to it as she fell asleep. And he would dream of her dreaming about him. But this was before. Now the silence wakes him at night. He listens for the music. It used to play all night. And he hears the birds. Or the wind. But the music has been stilled. Only on the coldest nights of the heart does he drift so far away to hear the music. Then it is the same. Like nothing has changed. She is there and he is here. Dreaming of dreaming.
He walks by the door on his way to the bathroom. And his way to the kitchen. And even on the way to the garage. Though it is out of the way for all three. Never in all the time she was there did he knock on the door. And never did he open the door. But one day he will grow balance.
It was four a.m. A time when poets are writing. And lovers are sleeping. She was a poet and a writer. And he was wide awake in a cold sweat. The left overs from his most recent meal spilled on the bed. It was three days ago. The window flashes lights as people drive by on the street. And he wants tonight to sleep in her room. Even on the bare floor.
He crawls across his room. Sneaks the door open. Down the short hall. Around the corner. Up the stairs. There is the room. The door.
He touches the door knob. And it begins to turn in his hand. It falls open as he leans into the doorway. And it slowly widens from a crack to a gap. The bed comes into view. Her bed is still there covered with soft pillows. A bed he dreamed about before. But never touched. It was there in front of him, but still far away.
The door opens wider and he sees a second door. This door must go to the street. He looks to the door. And out the window to a tree in the yard. The branches sway in the breeze. It looks like it might rain. The rain made him think of childhood.
As a child he spent so many hours alone. If he wasn’t roaming the hills alone. It was curled in the corner reading a book alone. The meals served by his mother, before she rushed to watch TV. He never liked TV. In school he ate alone too. But snapping back to reality he sees a foot. He is not alone tonight.
She hasn’t left. All this time she was still there behind the door.
His heart is racing. Sweat is pooling on his palms. Like a deer in the middle of the road he is unsure. Close the door or leave it open. Run or stay. He starts to do one, then the other. Then back to the first. And she stirs and he is frozen.
Mostly by fear. But her face is to him now. He can she her there like he has never seen her before. He wasn’t alone. Or not as alone as he thought. What became of the music? Music was something he never had in his life. It was of the devil. When he first moved from the small town to the ocean he embraced music. Like a wave it swept him way from his pain. There was a way to live in the world with passion. And music was the way for him.
Her eyes caught his attention. She was looking at him. Leaning with her face on her hand. The slim wrists tangled in her long dark hair. It looked like a shadow falling from her head. Her nails poking through white with pink tips. And her eyes shining like pools or dark water.
The confusion was too much to bear. He turn to run. But then he stopped. Again he looked at her face. But then she rolled over and went back to sleep. He took the door handle in is palm. And with a gentle push closed it. The room was darker without the light from the hall. But a glimmer reflected from the trees outside.
Her breathing was even, calm and measured like a lazy metronome. He followed it as his heart grew warm. When he sat on the bed. She rolled over to him, and touched his arm. When he slipped between the sheets she touched his side. When he slide closer her breath was the same as his.
But what had happened to the music?
(From a new writing prompt book: The Pocket Muse)
Today the moon starts in Virgo. In the morning it goes void of course. This is after a meeting with Mars. This is an early sextile. Mars and the moon work together to help you. Today is a good day for acting on your emotions. A path can be found to serve your own needs. But also serve the needs of others. The Mars energy brings a will and energy. And the moon an emotional clearness. After this the moon enters Libra in the afternoon. The Libra moon is more social. We form bonds with those around us today. We are pulled out of our shells. Service to others was a start. Mars energy could spice up those bonds. This is the last major aspect of the day. But there is an aspect first thing tomorrow. This is a two planet aspect. Mercury is in a sextile with Saturn. We may start to feel this tonight. Coming out of Virgo ruled by Mercury. A path lays ahead to follow our ideas. But at the same time do so with respect to our limits.
Where The Empress is mom. The Emperor is dad. Like her he sits on a thrown. But his thrown is very different. It isn’t a seat of comfort. But a seat of firmness.
The large stone seat shows he is grounded. It is his connection to the earth. And to his partner The Empress. The seat he fills is solid, and strong. Like The Emperor himself. Where The Empress led from the heart, he leads from the head. On his head is a golden crown. A reflection of his authority.
The thrown itself is decorated with rams heads. This connects The Emperor to the sign of the ram: Aries. The first sign of the zodiac. This ruler shares an ambition with this sign. It is a drive towards power. Our culture tends to demoralize or idolize such energy. But it isn’t good or bad in itself. For the king who is always hungry for more power. Always seeking new lands to posses. The eternal search for power can be bad.
But as children of God we are not meant to be powerless. When we see our place, we act with grace. We are not meant to be poor and unloved creatures. Yet many of us feel this every day. Regardless of how much money or love we have in our lives. The good emperor knows his connection to the divine. And he knows about true love and wealth. They do not come from outside. He finds his strength from his own heart. From his connection to God. This is where his will to power is rooted.
The Emperor’s robes are red. This reflects both his passion and his heart. As a good ruler he may be lead by the mind. But he listens to his heart.
In his hand is the Ankh. An ancient symbol of death and re-birth. This shows his awareness of his place in the universe. He knows his rule is absolute. But only for a moment in the flow. This flow is also seen in the river behind the thrown. This river is also another connection to the Empress. But also the High Priestess – where the river starts.
The landscape behind him is void. Unlike the land of The Empress. He focuses on the base details. It also shows he is more stern than her. When you fall and scrape your knee, she will kiss it for you. The Emperor will get you back on your feet and get you running again. The best word for this is discipline.
Not everyone had these firm dads. But we can teach ourselves. When you set goals for yourself. You are taking on this role. Doing things on a routine basis to better who you are takes on this role. Like the father in Tool Time. The Emperor is driven. The drive we have inside is this same energy.
But the shadow of The Emperor lurks. Like his partner he may not know when to let go. An excessive need for control can result. And people are pushed away. Or they fail to develop their own powers. As a father he never lets his kids make choices. They do not learn their own lessons. When we are our own fathers, we expect too much. We expect perfection. And we forget we are learning.
We forget to listen to our hearts.
What this card is telling you is to take a seat. Are you to focused on perfection. Or do you need more discipline in your life. Often it is a little of both. We expect to reach our goals and get upset about failure. But we’ve focused too much on the end and not the process. Take a step back and plan. Focus on the day to day, the step by step.
Maybe we feel discouraged. We have fallen. The Emperor is telling us it is time to get back up. You are a child of God. Take a moment to listen to your heart and heal. But then get re-focused and moving.
This card could represent a father, or father figure in your life. Someone may be coming into your life to guide you. Or you may become the father yourself. Are you expecting a child? In either case it is important to keep in mind the proper role of the father. A good father like a good emperor listens to his heart.
The moon moves into Virgo today. The sign of the virgin. In many pictures she is seen with grain. The earth sign is about service. But also structure. It is important for Virgo for things to be tidy. Ruled by Mercury like the sign of Gemini. It has a logical bend. Our emotions might feel pinned down. Like a butterfly. But this can be good for us. Take this moment to examine your feelings. Ask your self what is of value. This is also a full moon. Look for ways to wrap up projects. In particular ones focused on health. This is a good time to tie loose ends. If you have any organization work to do, get it done today. Today is also a day of release. We can end with this full moon a harmful pattern. We don’t have to walk over the coals again and again. Take care of yourself. Set a path by a different star. The moon is balanced with the sun. The sun is in Pisces. This could lure you to expect too much. Try and stay grounded. An easy way to stay grounded is to focus on the details. We can dream big dreams with Pisces. And plan the details to achieve with Virgo. Don’t let Pisces lure you into the clouds. Where you feel your dreams are unreachable. Or you don’t feel the need to chop wood and carry water. But don’t let Virgo anchor your ship. There is a time to chop wood and carry water. But there is a time to burn the wood and drink the water. Neptune also is opposite the moon. This is going to pull you out of your old thoughts. It will encourage us to view the world through different eyes. If we open our hearts and our minds. We find one path ending and another ready. But we miss the path if our eyes remain closed.