Daily Archives: February 16, 2016

From the desert

She hides behind an open door. Like a Monet painting. It pushes you away.

In the morning she races into her day. A rush of smiles and hellos. The friend of everyone. The friend no one knows. People think they like her. She speaks to this person. Shares a laugh with another. Always a friendly tone. Always a friendly smile. If you sit down and talk. She’ll talk about the weather. Or she’ll talk about you.

But she won’t talk about herself. Ask her the most direct question and you’ll get the more direct answer. And a broad question will just be dodged. Are you from California? Yes. Where have you lived? Around.

You think you know her because she knows you. She listens to your problems. Gives an understand ear and a kind word. Then she shares a joke. Jokes are the smoke screen of her life. Like everyone she has problems. But no one knows her secrets. No one.

What about the social network profile. A see of information. So many data points a super-computer would be lost. The most superficial facts shine like the sun. And the real details get lost like the other stars. There is no night. Not in her world. Because at night you would see the truth. The fears. The darkness in her soul.

In a world full of people. In a life full of connections. She lives alone. In her own cell.

She isn’t the one writing this, she would never. And I write without a name. Who am I to tell you these things. Can you trust me as a source? But I protect myself from her awareness. Her anger.

What drives her most is fear. It pushes her to be everything – to all people – everywhere. People must love her. They must want her. They must need her. So she won’t be alone. Rejected again in her desert. Like a demon. She has felt the world’s cold shoulder too often.

At night she has herself. During the day she creates friendships which aren’t real. The smile and short exchanges are enough. In fact they are almost too much. She doesn’t know more than small talk. Because small talk bonds enough to pretend. But not enough to share. There isn’t anything she wants to share. Not a single truth about her life.

One truth leads to another. And another. Somewhere down the line the Truth could see the light. All truth must be hidden. Because who knows which one is the Truth. Or could suggest the Truth is out there, or in there. Hiding.

You can talk to her. And joke with her. Even insult her. But never ignore her. And most important of all never touch her. The body is where she lives. She doesn’t like to be disturbed. Why are you touching me? I can touch myself.

She knows truth is like water. Or like light. It finds its way where it wants to go. There is a fear she can’t keep secrets forever. But she must try and try and try. If she must let something out, she will. But the stress and regret are instant. And a growing feeling of relief as no one cares to notice. Because people think they know her, they are easy to fool. They are easy to mislead. No, she is not a liar.

Lies are just another form of truth in disguise. The truth is a better mask than any lie. You can mislead with information more than anything else. Give people too little or too much. But whatever you do, don’t make it clear. Do not put it in context. And never make it about her. Leave her alone.

You know her name, but I can’t speak it here. Because then she will come. All this will be lost. This moment we have had together will be lost. Whatever we may know about each other now will be lost. Even thinking about her name now. I feel her shadow behind me.

(A Room to Write Exercise)


Strength. It seems so simple. The word reminds me of a time with my dad. We were watching a game. And I asked him a riddle. In return he asked me a riddle. Something about a seven letter word with one vowel. After a long time, and many guesses I gave up.
The answer was strength. Watching the game he told me they were using the word.

We often first think about strength in terms of ability. Like Hanuman who lifts a whole mountain. Muscular people at the gym. In passing we think about the strength of a tree. Or a strong pillar. Something which holds weight. But both these are physical terms.

In the tarot strength is more. It isn’t just about the outside world. We also need strength with ourselves. It isn’t just the action. Being able to remove a foe. Or even the ability to withstand a foe. It is taking the time to think. It is about feeling what is right.

Our lives are full of events which can upset us. But if we race off in anger all the time. We show weakness. And if we remain unmoved through all events. This can also be a weakness. The lion is a figure on many Strength cards. We must be like the lion.

It sits under a tree. As a heard goes by, it watches. You may not think it is acting on its environment. But the lion is strong enough not to run at the first prey. It sits and waits for the moment. Then in a flash, it springs to action. In the moment strength is about movement. It is about taking clear action. An action so fast it looks unplanned. But is really the result of a thought sitting in our minds for a long time. Without holding back, without pause. The lion will kill the prey.

In the card before we were on The Chariot. This card shows a figure with two horses. They are the polarities of this world. The figure is using their power. But he is only channeling their potence. They remain outside. They also remain apart.

In this card we see a knight. Looking right at us with a sword at hand. But it isn’t raised. Not a person eager for a fight. The sword and the armor speak to a readiness. But his pose and his square shoulders speak to a calm. The knight is waiting like the lion.

The knight has a greyhound. Dogs are know to be loyal. But also represent out instincts. When the moment is right action will take place. Greyhounds are known for their speed. So the knights action will be quick. True to instinct and loyal to the heart.

The number of this card is eight. Eight is a card of power. Connected to infinity. In the minor arcana they are about change. In Wands the change is fast. And in swords we see a need for change. This card is about the nature of change. There are two kinds of strength. Like an oak, which breaks in the wind. And like a bamboo which bends in the wind. The greatest strength is being able to do both. As needed. And given the nature of constant change. We always have to struggle to maintain our balance. It requires constant strength is adjust to the world. Because the world is change.

As the figure takes these energies inside. As these energies are united. The figure grows stronger. And will soon be able to set their own path. They step into the darkness, the unknown. True strength must be used in the world. In the next card we see The Hermit. A figure with the strength to be a guide for others.

This card is telling you to think about your strengths. And where you are weak. How can these two forces work together. Instead of being at odds. This card suggests you are trying to hard in one area. And maybe not hard enough in another. Your efforts are not balanced. They are not clear. And not true to your heart. This is a card calling you back to your heart. The source of all our true strength. Come home.

Whatever you struggle with right now. Taking a step back will only help you. Go back up under the tree with the lion. Ask yourself if this is a real threat. Is the action needed clear. Will it be quick and done? If not you may be using the wrong tactic.

Give a different voice in your head the switch. Be open to opposing ideas within you. And from without. The true warrior knows to listen to wise council. The warrior is willing to adjust plans. Meditate. Focus on this thought: only love is real.

The riddle my dad gave me wasn’t fair. The clues weren’t in the question. But if I had the strength to be patient. The strength to work our a plan. To figure out a process to get me to the answer. I would have been able to solve it on my own. But I was young.