Maybe I am not lost at all. But I know the path. Maybe the path is always right. Even if the way feels lost for the moment. If I know what is around the bend. And I prepare today in ways I don’t understand. Then today has a meaning. A meaning I will understand in full tomorrow. Maybe all things have value. Every experience is rich. And every moment a jewel. Each day brings lessons where ever we may be in our lives. And if we don’t take advantage of the lessons. We lose the day. Many times we may overlook a moment as meaningless. Or a day as not having value. What could we learn at a job like this we ask ourselves. And by not taking serious the lessons in front of us we miss them completely. What if we were always looking for ways to learn. Lessons to grow. Not just from the biggest of textbooks on the shelves. But from the little people, children, in our lives. The mundane times when our minds float away to other places. Take in the moments today. Take in the people around you and what you might learn from their knowledge. Because each of them has lived a life you have not. They have seen and done things you have not. And as a result they see the world in a way you do not. This gives them a point of view you don’t have. And a knowledge base unique to themselves. But one we can access if we listen with our hearts. And we in turn have value and wisdom we can share with others. But it must be shared. You cannot force feed your truths on others. For what is true for you is not true for all. Even as people learn lessons from us. They can find their own path and truth. We must allow them, as they must allow us. Maybe the things we worry about the most day to day have no value. Or at least no value in the grand lessons of our lives. The important growth of the ages. The problems of the mind and the heart are deeper than today and tomorrow. We learn how to love and accept others with grace. These lessons learned in each moment of our lives. Remember only love is real. So the only lesson of this life is love. Maybe I miss many more chances to learn love than I see in my life. Maybe we all do.
I aim to make a resolution for every house in the zodiac.
1) I resolve to love myself more, and to forgive myself more. And even to forgive myself for when I fail to love myself.
2) I resolve to be less concerned about gadgets. To save money to spend time with people I care about and love.
3) I resolve to let people know I care about them. I resolve to write more, and express myself better.
4) I resolve to try and understand home, to work towards feeling at home. It is easy to say someday I will be home, but home is what you make of it. And I have Baby Girl.
5) I resolve to be more creative, and to find healthy sexual expressions.
6) I resolve to find a better job, where I can service my own dharma and help others. But also I resolve to look for basic ways of being of service every day.
7) I resolve to work on emotional relationships, work on trust, and start to develop connections which could become an intimate relationship.
8) I resolve to finish my novel, and to begin writing more about lessons from my own life.
9) I resolve to find my way out of my own mind more, but also to explore my own thoughts deeper.
10) I resolve to search for a new path to making money for myself.
11) I resolve this year will be full of friends and hope and love.
12) I resolve to stop allowing secrets and pain so much control over my life.
Okay, now I resolve to go to sleep. I’d like to write more about these topics later. Like when I don’t have to wake up in four hours for work.
I have been thinking about my post last night. And it is clear to me all three sides of my personality are driven by fear. And not by love. I still need to focus more on love in my life.
Just the idea we can be alone in this world is crazy. We are all one with each other. So how could we ever be apart? And the desire to be alone is a fearful desire. What we call fear is a lie. And love is the truth.
Again, trying to be friends with everyone is driven by fear. We are always connected to each other at a deep level. We don’t need to do things to validate each other. We are valid. I don’t need to win your love. We love each other, we just don’t know. Or we do not see. It also fails to respect other people may be at a different point in their journey.
And of course the desire for control is all about fear. It is based on an image of the world which makes us feel safe. But we are safe. Fear makes comparisons with others. Love does not. Fear says this person works harder. Love accepts people for where they are and what they do. Fear makes us want other people to be like us. Love wants other people to be like themselves.
So, less fear and more love.
When I think of you I feel guilty. I treat you poorly. There is a bitter part of myself which wants to be mean to you, and is often and persistently.
When I think of you I feel lonely. I miss you. I miss the river, the walks, the French, the food, the house, the cats, the reading, the talking, the being friends. I miss you like I miss food. I miss you like I miss the things from my childhood. I miss you like a home, though I’ve never had one. I miss you and I miss you often and persistently.
When I think of you I feel bad for being a jerk. I ignore you calls. I don’t call you back. At times I think you should just give up on being my friend. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day you did. Or maybe you already have. I am a jerk because I feel so many things, and the relationship you seem to want isn’t deep enough to express them. But I am a jerk, because I choose to be. And I don’t know why but I choose to be a jerk often and persistently.
When I think of you I feel like your better off without my Melrose Place drama in your life. I wonder if it isn’t better for both of us to not engage in the emotional turmoil we seem to get sucked into when we connect. And when we don’t connect, but only talk I feel like I am bleeding in the street and everyone is driving by, without stopping. I feel like I hurt you more though contact, than through my absence. I doubt you need a friend like me, I doubt that often and persistently.
When I think of you, I think I still love you. You’re like a part of me, you feel so close. Even when we haven’t spoken for so long, I feel like I could call you and it wouldn’t matter. But it does. I love you because you make me want to be a better person. I just love you for who you are, and who I want to be with you. It isn’t just the Ayn Rand books, it isn’t just a shared love of learning. It is more and more than all the words I could write. It is your sap I love. I really love you often and persistently.
When I think of you I feel like a failure. No, not in terms of our relationship – for which I have to much hope for still to feel like a failure. No, my life. I feel like I want to have a career, to be a person you could be proud to know. The person you thought I was when we were in college together. The person you thought I was when we were together. A person who doesn’t live in a cheap rented room, alone with a cat. A person who doesn’t have a low-pay job, he could have done without the college degree for which he isn’t paying his loans. A person who can and does pay his loans. I want to be John Galt, so you could be my love. I feel like a failure when I don’t think of you too though. I feel like a failure often and persistently.
When I think of you I worry about you. I guess I worry about your career, but you are smarter than I – even though I once said different. I worry about your health. I feel like Forest Gump who would drop everything to run to you and care for Jenny in her illness. I want you to be well. I don’t want to worry about your health. I feel like a bad friend because I don’t know if you are well. Even if you wanted me to, I wouldn’t even know to come to you. In a silly way, I worry about your relationships – just because I there is still a part of me confident enough to believe no one loves you as much as I. When I think of you I worry about you, I worry about you often and persistently.
There are so many things which make me think of you. The cat. Bunny. Some days just the news itself makes me think of you. So many things I see on Facebook. Politics. Donald Trump. Listening to the CDs you gave me (of which I have cloned). I think of you at night, I think of you at work. I think of you in this world which is haunted by you. When I feel alone I think of you the most. When I think of you I feel alone the most. I think of you often and persistently.
Can you see why I don’t try to connect with you more? Where are my sleeping pills? Where is bunny? I need some ice cream and sleep right now.
I was thinking today about human connections. I guess all interactions between people are spiritual interactions. In every relationship, each encounter, we serve to spread love and the message of love or we serve to spread fear or the message of fear.
And it could also be said in other terms. We either spread lies or we spread truth. The only thing real is love. Fear is based on lies, and is made of lies and can only be spread by lies. Love never leads to fear and lies never lead to love.
I went back to Olympia.
It was the first time I have been there since I left you in your bed.
The sun was burning down out of the sky, like an Albert Camus novel and I was the stranger. I looked for your place, the old place where we were together. And where I left you in your bed.
But the old place is gone, the place where you lived. The place where we loved, is gone.
The whole city was haunted by you. I could see you on every corner. I heard your thoughts regarding the signs in the windows. You were always so intelligent, and witty.
I went back because I haven’t been there in years. I wanted to take photos of the places I knew. It is a part of me, the time you and I were close in the small town. It will always be a part of me, and today it is a part of me I miss.
The pictures of the capitol building, the park, the lake and the streets all made me think of you. It all made me think of you. And as I drove home I listened to the mix CD of your songs.
Even those places where we never went together were haunted by you. The spring in town where I spent time waiting for the bus. On the final lonely dark and cold night we were together. And then apart.
My mother was on her way to help me move to California. I moved to Portland the first time because you once told me you hated Portland. Now I wonder where I would be today if you hadn’t said those words. For the second time, I had almost moved closer to you.
I am back in Portland. But I wouldn’t be if it weren’t for the people I met the first time I moved here. And the second time I moved here is when the wound was the deepest for us. The last time. I went to see you in Olympia after you invited me to visit.
But I stayed too long.
You weren’t happy to have me there so long. You weren’t happy for me to visit you at your school job. You weren’t happy. I walked out that night after you told me you didn’t care if I spent the night or not. I wanted more than anything to be close, and warm and with you one more night. The smell of you.
But I left because I also wanted more than anything not to be leaving the relationship on a note of apathy on your part. I was so tired of your not caring. At the end of the day, it wasn’t enough. Maybe you did care, and for some reason you just couldn’t tell me. I know there were things I didn’t know how or couldn’t tell you. I loved you so much, words failed me. Everything failed me. Sometimes I feel like I failed us.
Where are you now? Hawaii, San Diego or maybe Washington DC. Where would we be if that night was not the last night?
Remember the baby? The one we almost had. You said you did the dance for joy when you found out it was not to be born. My father was happy I wouldn’t be tied to you. But I am tied to you with the fabled red string. Because I once loved you deeply, and I still do, across time and space. Of course time and space are real and love changes.
You introduced me to Leonard Cohen, and he is the one who said. “True love leaves no traces, if you and I are one, it is lost in our embraces, like stars against the sun.”
What we had was never accurately described. I wonder if the fact your mother once called me your “boyfriend” was a factor in your ending things. I never understood why you went through your mood swings. You said one time a boy had left you, and after drinking your mom found you crying and yelling in the driveway. I wanted to hug you, I wanted to go back in time and hug you. I wanted to hug all the pain so many people caused you away. Maybe because like me, so much of the pain in your life was a result of the actions of people who should have known better. People you should have been able to trust to love you and care for you. We were both lost you and I. And I still am.
I went back to Olympia, because it was a place. A moment in time. A memory of not feeling either so alone, or so lost in the world. Every day I feel like the people in my life are further and further away. But it is my fault. And I am more and more alone, lost and emotionally confused. Although I can’t recapture the past, I can taste the memory.