I just feel like I am stuck. I sleep, I work, I eat and then I sleep and eat and work some more. Here I am and it has been days again since I have written here. In fact probably 90 percent of the time I am writing, it is about not writing.
I went to the tarot group. I got a reading and it said I should write more. Last time I went the leader of the group said my reading suggested quitting my job would be a good idea. I would be inclined to agree, but I think paying my bills is important. I know. Jump and the net will appear, right? It isn’t just that I don’t believe in a net, which is true. I don’t even know what the net would be for me right now. Make money writing – we see how well that is going. Make money off tarot, astrology readings. I have done so in the past, but limited amounts and I don’t like it.
The thing about me and tarot, astrology, whatever is I like doing the readings. But, in some ways it is like the weather. Sure the weather person can tell you it will rain, or it will be sunny. But what about the element of surprise in life? What about getting yourself to the point where you greet the sun and the rain with an equal passion, and you don’t care what the weather is every day. What about living a life where you don’t need to ask questions about the future, you don’t need to ask questions about what is the right choice. Because you accept the future as unknown, and accept whatever the future holds will be a blessing and when it comes you will be happy. And you are prepared to deal with life’s challenges, without knowing they are coming. Because guess what, they are coming for all of us.
As far as right choices. I think all choices are right. Life doesn’t have a goal. If you are learning and growing and becoming a better person you are making the right choice. Ok, so not learning and growing and becoming a better person is a “bad” choice in theory. But I don’t think most people really make that choice. They just fail to make a better choice. And in the end, whatever job you are working, whatever person you are loving, where you live, how much money you make, the list goes on and on. All these things are not important to the choice to learn, grow and be a better person. Because they are decorations on life and not life itself.
After all she has been through, my cat threw up on her face today. Well on the picture of her face on her book which I am reading. It is a good book, a lot about life in Pakistan. It goes without saying life in Pakistan is not like life in America. But it is more than the material differences. The life of her homeland, not Pakistan but the Swat Valley (It isn’t Brooklyn, it is Park Slope), makes clear the western view of the war on terror is misguided. If there is any solution for the region, I don’t think it is a solution we can lead.
On other matters. I have been pretty down lately. Not writing, not reading much, not eating much, not doing much of anything except working and sleeping. Yay for life…. not so much.
Work, so I found out who the new department manager is going to be for the deli. One of the areas I work. I saw one of my co-workers clearly upset, and asked her what was the problem. She was upset about the choice for the new manager, but I am rather pleased by the choice. I might have liked it, and my upset co-worker wanted the job. But truth is nether one of us would have gotten it, if it hadn’t been the person chosen it would be someone else. I hope to learn a lot from the new manager, and then someday be ready for my own promotion.
I think I want to give up on my novel and start a secret project. All I want to discuss is progress or lack of progress. Nothing of the plot or subject matter will be discussed. I feel like it makes it easier for my creative process to work in a little darkness.
It was another hot day in Five Corners, Orchards. But it was my day off and I did get a lot done on various tasks online.
I have been listening to news podcasts, George Will just made a good case for Donald Trump being a Democratic mole set to wreck the Republican party. Man, there are so many people running this year. I haven’t posted any real blog posts in a while.
And writing was a clear challenge for me because of the heat and other tasks I felt I wanted to accomplish. I am in a little of a stuck point on my novel and questioning if I want to write it at all. I do have some good ideas for it, but I don’t know if I can flush it out. I don’t know if I have the skills to write a good novel, as opposed to writing in other formats. I also don’t know if the idea is something rich enough to support a full novel and if the characters I have been thinking about are real enough to be alive for the reader.
I have spent most of the day reading about the Qabalah. Going to tarot groups recently has gotten my thinking about these things again. I also cooked some food, a miso, mushroom, rice and kimchi mix which came out really good. I still have some to eat tomorrow. I haven’t done any writing of course. Maybe tomorrow, but I doubt it since I have to work at 5 a.m. and then I might go somewhere to watch fireworks and try to be social. Writing can come later.