Daily Archives: November 19, 2015

I want to go to sleep

But I also want to write. There is an ocean right now inside me. And a small boy is holding his finger in the dike.
I feel sad. And I don’t know why. It has been cold and wet here all day. But this is late-fall in the northwest. It would be bad if it weren’t wet and cold. This isn’t my first year here. Will it be my last?
I keep playing Rebecca Black’s Living in Your Words over and over and over. I’m not sure. It makes me feel introspective. Who’s words am I living in? M? Simone? My own?
I want to go to sleep. But something in my mind feels restless. Tonight I went downtown to walk around. to be around people. But I went to early, before the parking meter hours ended. And I didn’t have any change for the meter so I left.
I went to the store and got a new blanket. It is too short, but it is pretty.
Then I went to the gym with Michelle.
I don’t know who’s words I am living in. But it does feel like I am living in words more than living a life sometimes.
I have been thinking about dharma. What is my dharma? What is my purpose in this life? I know years ago I traveled across the country. Then when I got my first job I moved to Wyoming. It was close to a town where I had visited on one of my trips. I told people at the time my early travels made moving to Wyoming for my first job easier. But my first job wasn’t a success.
What is life preparing me for now? Am I the lion under the tree waiting and watching. Am I taking faith the right opportunity will find its way into my life, and I will act in a moment. Or am I just being lazy and accepting the life I have? Do I lack the imagination and the will to create a better life for myself? Or am I choosing not to beat my head against the wall, until the right moment?
I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
Working with people is something I enjoy. And writing. Working in Nebraska was great for a while. Telling people’s stories. The mother and friends of a murdered teenage girl. Candidates applying for the top job at the school district. We are all humans. And there is a part of me who loves all these humans.
But there is a part of me who constantly feels outside the human community. Like the one person in the room who doesn’t get the joke. The person who misunderstands the language. Everyone else read the book, and I’ve never seen the book. I guess I just feel alone. And empty.
It is late right now. What good does writing like this ever create? I should have gone to bed an hour ago. But I feel into the memory trap. And I found some stories in a folder. Stories I wrote with Leigh. And I miss her. As much as I want to call her, I can’t because she is so far away now. She has her own life, and talking to her is just a reminder. A reminder of how far away she is, and how far away I am.
This isn’t even well written.
Where do I want to be next year? A New Year is just a few short weeks away. And when I start the year 2017, do I still want to be working at Walmart? Do I want to be successful writer? Do I still want to be this alone? Sitting out here on my own island.
In the end, I don’t know. Or I don’t know how to reach a different place. Or both. And it makes me feel a bit like a ship without a sail. Stuck in the doldrums.

Dharma

It has been a long active day. I went to the gym with my friend Michelle. And I did some work on one of my projects for the next chapter. Which will be posted tomorrow. Now it is late and time for bed.