Today is April Fool’s Day. You will all receive wealth. If you are not in love. You will fall in love. All your dreams will come true. Ohh, sorry – April Fool’s. If only life could be so easy. The moon is void of course much of the day. A good day to play tricks on friends. Chances are there will not be lasting results. The moon today is in Aquarius. This is a great sign for April Fool’s Day. It thinks outside the box. So it seeds ideas for pranks in our minds today. I told my roommate I got a check from the government for $1,000. Pretty boring, but he fell for it. I did get a small check back from my taxes. The sign of Aquarius is about our connection to others. We can use a feeling of connection to inspire our pranks. But also to remember not to hurt people. We want people to laugh. Not to cry. Early in the morning the moon squares Uranus. The ruler of Aquarius. This adds to its power. This planet encourages unique thoughts. Don’t pull the easy pranks like I did with my roommate. Go for the gusto. The square will make it harder for you to invest in a plain prank. But this pulls your heart in and reminds you to be careful. Uranus is currently in Aries. This adds to a feeling of impulse when a good idea comes along. Remember to think first. Which will be hard because Mercury is square the moon also today. Also in Aries this means your mind may over look what your heart is telling you about what is right. Take a moment and breathe today. Take a moment to listen to your heart. Then have your fun. The final aspect of the day is Venus and the moon. This brings your friends into the party. Your friends can either help you by pointing out how a trick might be mean. Or they could serve to pressure you to not listen to your own concern. With Venus in Pisces it is more likely your friends will support you doing what is right. Either way it is best to bring more friends in on the fun. Just stay centered. If no one else is going to be the voice of caution. You can be the one. Have fun.
Monthly Archives: March 2016
My questions for today
I was at work watching TV. It was some Law and Order show. They mentioned a person who had a total break from reality. And I thought to myself. How do I know I’ve not had a total break from reality? I mean really. It scares me a little to think about if I would even know. I’m not suggesting I’m really tied up in a bed somewhere, like in The Matrix. Though of course this is possible. But even worse. What if none of the things I talk about make any sense to anyone else in the world. What if the people around me humor me the way you would a child. How do I know anyone actually likes me as a person? And they’re not just being nice. At the one end of the range everything we think we know to be true could be a lie. And in some ways it would be okay. And on the other end, everything we think is true is 100 percent true. But I have strong reasons based on experience why I know this isn’t true either. There have been too many women I thought were interested in me – and they were not. So, I am stuck with a world where somethings I believe are true, and some aren’t. And this is harder. Because if it was all a lie, there would be no truth to worry about knowing. But is a world where our minds fail as often as they get it right. You have to figure out what is real and what isn’t real. And the only took you have to do it is your mind. Which is a tool you have no accurate way of testing to see how well you can trust its results. I could check my scale by standing on another scale. But I can’t look at my mind from another person’s mind. While a friend may tell me, “no, it is okay,” I don’t know their motive do I? And it doesn’t have to be a bad motive. How do we know what is true and what is false in our worlds? Again, I am not worried about the big things. I want to know about the little things. The things which are the hardest to look at and the hardest for people to be honest about in life.
And if you could be sure you’re sane. Is there any way to know for sure you wouldn’t lose it at any moment. Some organic or chemical trigger inside your brain. Or a mental, emotional, spiritual, physical trauma. Like a light switch you go from being you, to being someone else. Someone lost in their own mind.
The ideals which have lighted my way, and time after time have given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been kindness, beauty and truth. – Albert Einstein
Maybe I am not Lost
Maybe I am not lost at all. But I know the path. Maybe the path is always right. Even if the way feels lost for the moment. If I know what is around the bend. And I prepare today in ways I don’t understand. Then today has a meaning. A meaning I will understand in full tomorrow. Maybe all things have value. Every experience is rich. And every moment a jewel. Each day brings lessons where ever we may be in our lives. And if we don’t take advantage of the lessons. We lose the day. Many times we may overlook a moment as meaningless. Or a day as not having value. What could we learn at a job like this we ask ourselves. And by not taking serious the lessons in front of us we miss them completely. What if we were always looking for ways to learn. Lessons to grow. Not just from the biggest of textbooks on the shelves. But from the little people, children, in our lives. The mundane times when our minds float away to other places. Take in the moments today. Take in the people around you and what you might learn from their knowledge. Because each of them has lived a life you have not. They have seen and done things you have not. And as a result they see the world in a way you do not. This gives them a point of view you don’t have. And a knowledge base unique to themselves. But one we can access if we listen with our hearts. And we in turn have value and wisdom we can share with others. But it must be shared. You cannot force feed your truths on others. For what is true for you is not true for all. Even as people learn lessons from us. They can find their own path and truth. We must allow them, as they must allow us. Maybe the things we worry about the most day to day have no value. Or at least no value in the grand lessons of our lives. The important growth of the ages. The problems of the mind and the heart are deeper than today and tomorrow. We learn how to love and accept others with grace. These lessons learned in each moment of our lives. Remember only love is real. So the only lesson of this life is love. Maybe I miss many more chances to learn love than I see in my life. Maybe we all do.
A short Chapter
When I left New York City I went to Pennsylvania. I had a friend from a gathering there. But I didn’t stay long. She is an amazing person. The person who told me about the effins. What are effins you ask.
Well, they are imps. They aren’t evil per se. But they cause problems. They go out into the world and just create havoc. And they are created every time someone uses the F-word. Just saying the word creates an effin. And you never know what nature of crime it will commit.
There was a small part of myself which though I might stay longer. A part wanted to be more than friends. But it was clear this wasn’t an option. And also clear she didn’t plan on my being there for long. But it was good to see her. Maybe there was a reason I believed things would be different. But I do not recall now.
From there I went to Alabama. I had a friend from college who lived in Huntsville. She was having problems with her husband. And needed a friend. Again I wasn’t there long, maybe a week or two. I do recall working at Labor Ready while in Alabama.
One site I worked at was a construction site. Which is typical for Labor Ready jobs. The one I remember most was in a kitchen. There were a couple of us on the job. I was working hard, but some of the other guys were slacking. And then in one moment I knew this would not be a repeat job.
One of the guys was pushing a stack of plastic racks. The racks were full of glasses. He wasn’t being careful and tried pushing it over a small crack on the floor. The whole stack fell over and several of the glasses broke.
I spent hours downloading music from Napster. It has just come out and was the big thing. The crime of it wasn’t clear at the time. At least not to me. Now being more of a content creator I understand better. I also have learned how bad it is for our market system.
The friend from Alabama was someone who went to Bethany after I left. But we became friends – and almost more. At two separate times we almost had sex. Once was in the back seat of her car. But it was so cramped. It was uncomfortable. I was not feeling the moment. The second time was in her bed. And we stopped because we didn’t have protection. At times I wonder about that moment. If we’d had sex. How would our lives be different today. If we had a child. If we had gotten closer. But now she is lost to me. I haven’t seen or heard from her since the visit to Alabama. When I think about her I feel alone.
The whole trip back was by bus. After Alabama I rode the bus across Texas, New Mexico and Arizona. I recall thinking for a long time. Could I count Texas as I state I visited. Even though I was on the bus the whole time. This of course became less of an issue after I lived in Texas.
The bus took me back to Stockton. From there I returned to my second year working at Camp Silver Lake.
Page of Wands
The Page was a student. One who served a knight. This page is in Wands. What are the lessons we need to learn. We are growing. And developing our energy.
Wands is about fire. It is about having passion. What is it which drives us in life. What is our dream. The mission of our life. This card to pointing towards events which are helping us on the path. Events may result in ends we don’t foresee. And what we fear today will no doubt be the best for tomorrow.
There are many steps to understanding our passion. Our dharma. It is said the dharma of fire is to burn. And the dharma of water is to be wet. But how many of us live our dharma. Krishna said it is better to live ones own dharma. Even imperfectly. Than to live another’s perfectly.
The future is bright for us. The next card in the deck is the knight of wands. We shall be heroes. But first we need to be a hero to ourselves. Look out for your dream. Take time and invest energy into your passion. If you don’t know what yours is this may be a good time to focus. Think about what brings you joy. What one thing makes the time pass without notice.
We all live our lives working jobs we do not love. Jobs which do not feed our soul. Imagine a world where everyone found their place. Found the one thing which fed their soul. And served the community. The more you work on being you the easier it will get. And being yourself makes it easier for others to be themselves.
When we aren’t living our dharma. We may be trying to live another person’s dharma. But this makes it harder for them to follow their path. They in turn may seek to follow another person’s path. The knock-on effect is endless. But one person on their own path. Not only serves as an example. But sets others free of competition. There isn’t meant to be a contest to serve our dharma.
A page of cups would be learning too. They have to learn about their emotions. And a page of swords is learning about their mind.
But the fire of wands is also about our own source of life. Our heart. What is it which makes us brave. Where do we find courage. Where is our love centered. Remember only love is real. So if you are not living for love. What are you living for then?
This card has come up because you are a student. We are all students. But this is pointing out lessons going on in your life now. What you are going through may not be easy. I doubt the training of a knight’s page was easy. But it is valuable. What you are doing is putting you on your path. And you may not see the whole staircase. But focus on the next step, and the next step.
This card is not a card of action. The knight takes his passion to battle. But first the knight must learn. We are not ready to put our passion into practice today. Even for those who have been very active in their dreams. This card should inspire a pause. It may be time for some to reflect on there they are on the path.
Some may get this card to refocus them on their goal. They may have forgotten their passion. In the day-to-day they lost sight of the big picture. It isn’t always easy to focus on the small steps. And the big picture at the same time. If our passion feels weaker lately. We may have lost sight of one or the other. This card is giving us space to re-focus.
New York City
The idea of going to New York City was my friends. Come visit she said. When I left, she told me: I never had someone visit for three months.
I had just left my first year working in Silver Lake. With some of my money I bought a bus ticket. I arrived in the city just a month after Sept. 11. The whole city was still on edge. I met my friends at the bus station. The giant Port Authority Building.
While I was in the city I was one of a group living in a small studio. For most of the time I slept on a small couch. The friend who invited me was a part of a larger group. They were dreamers. And they were artists. The type of people who bring the city to life. My friend worked at a framing shop in Manhattan. She is an amazing artist.
One of my earliest memories was going shopping. I purchased food for myself and the rest. When I got to town my spirits were high. But the weather, problems with my friends, and just life got me down. In general it was a hard time for me. And not for any reason except myself. And depression.
These were friends I had met years before. When I met I felt like we were on the same page. But here I felt out of place. The larger group was one I didn’t connect with on a real level. They were all friendly. It wasn’t them. It was me. I felt different. While there I read Bill Gates’ book. When talking to one of the studio-mates I asked, “would you let Bill Gates join your group?” Based on his book, he sounded like a dreamer too. Now, granted in some ways the dreams were different. But I believed, and still do, all dreams come from a place of value. The answer was, no. The reason was, “he would try and take over.” But, you don’t know – he might not.
One of the group was pushing me to drink. Just one he would say. Just one, just one, just one. I would always say no. He made me feel uncomfortable because of this. And I had the strong impression he just didn’t like me. When I spent time with my friend alone I was okay. And there were a few of her friends I got on with too. I’ve never been a drinker, I wasn’t into looking for a party. And I don’t mean this to have a moral tone. There were times living in New York City I wished I was more like the rest of the group. But I wasn’t. And it didn’t feel right when I tried to pretend. When alone with my friend I drank some wine. I trusted her.
I didn’t trust her friend. It is easier to say no one the first drink. What I feared was he would push me to drink one, then two, and three. But my family has a history of alcoholism. And it just isn’t what I want for myself. It isn’t what I believe you need to have fun.
I love my friend dearly. But his pressure and the tone of the group made me feel alone. The more so because I wanted to be a part. Which is rare for me. I felt like this was were I belonged. But I didn’t feel like I fit in. So, I felt like there was something wrong with me. I started to grow away from the group and do my own thing. And it didn’t feel to me like anyone cared. I know this isn’t fair. And was a symptom of the depression.
Right now it is almost 2 a.m. A fitting time to write about New York City. I don’t recall sleeping much. What I do remember was being out all times of the night. There was a 24 hour internet cafe near Times Square. They had an odd price scheme. The price adjusted according to demand. In the middle of the night demand was low. The price was low. This was one of the places I spent a lot of time. I was there on New Years’ Eve.
But I also went to the library in Brooklyn a couple times. My friend lived in the Clinton Hill neighborhood. And I worked at Labor Ready.
I got to know the city working with Labor Ready. You have to find your way to the job sites. The people I worked with were good people. Though they loved to try and have extra hours written on the time card. I never tried it myself, but gained some cash from their efforts. I worked a few moving jobs in the city.
There was one I recall. We went on break and I left my coat, with wallet and money in the apartment. When we came back it was sealed by the Sheriff. The person was being evicted. It gave me a good scare, but I did get my things.
Before I got to the city Labor Ready workers had been at Ground Zero. But rumor was there had been theft. Also the nature of the clean-up was moving away from casual labor needs.
Another job I recall was tearing down a fire damaged building. But we were taking it down one board at a time. It was a bad job. The plan was having trash barrels loaded up with debris. Just the regular kind you buy at the store. Then there were dragged down the stairs. Five flights of stairs to the bottom. Outside a large dumpster was waiting for the buckets where the buckets were dumped. I was on the job for about a week I believe. And it drove me to the point of exhaustion. In the end they asked me to be removed. But I didn’t care, I’d had enough.
Working at Labor Ready at the time took some timing. It also took being a good worker. I was given good jobs because I did a good job. But I also got to the office an hour before they opened. The opening time was 6 a.m. But it wasn’t uncommon to find a line at 5 a.m. Sometimes I didn’t sleep, often I slept little. I am sure this was a factor in my depression.
One time I was riding the subway. I fell asleep and missed my stop. Okay, this happened a couple times. But this time I got off the subway, got on the train going back. I fell asleep and missed it again. I was tired most of the time I was in the city. Once at the studio someone came to pick up something. He wasn’t trusted and I tried to stay awake to keep an eye on him. But I couldn’t. I just couldn’t stay awake.
After New Years’ Eve I took a short trip to Glens Falls. The last time I was there to see friends. It was early 2002. When I came back I didn’t stay long. I saved some money, bought a bus ticket and started home. But I had a few stops to make along the way.
When I first got to the city it was all strange. My friend and I had a discussion about the closest subway stop to her house. She was a little upset I questioned her answer. By the time I left I knew the subways well enough to help others. One day I walked through the maze of the Times Square – Port Authority complex of subway stations without getting lost. It was a shock. I told my friend about the experience. While in the city I spent a fair amount of time just walking around. Manhattan mostly because it felt safer. And the grid is pretty basic. A couple night I walked around Times Square. And sometimes during the day.
I told my friend Times Square was a funny place. Because of its location in the city, and the county. It would be easy to do something and be in the national spotlight. You were at the white hot focus of attention. But at the same time there are so many lights. Even at night it is bright like day. And there are almost always crowds walking around. So the average person would be totally ignored. There was something which drew me to Times Square.
I went to Ground Zero once while in the city. It wasn’t where I was trying to go at the time. It was the only time I rode the city bus too. My normal mode of transit was walking and the subway. But while looking for Greenwich Village I ended up at the site. A friend I met there said he was always lost in the city after the attack. Since they were the tallest buildings in the city. He knew once he located them, which way was south. Now they were gone. I wasn’t impressed deeply by the site.
There was an art show which touched me. It was a collection of photos. Personal photos which had been shared. Many were of the skyline before and after the attacks. There were a wide range of images. They showed the way common people were touched by the events. My friend told me she went to the roof of her building and could see the buildings fall.
One other place I spent time was Central Park. There are a lot of neat little corners. One I liked was the Turtle Pond. I explored a good deal of the park while living in the city. And on one occasion did some walking along the Hudson River. I had seen the city as a boy. On a trip with my father we had taken a tour around the island on a boat. But being back I wanted to see more of the city. It felt like an experience I wanted to soak in as much as possible.
Maybe someday I will go back to the city. I am closer to family in New York now. I should take a trip to see them soon. When I left the city I wanted to visit friends. And then go home.
The obvious is that which is never seen until someone expresses it simply. – Kahlil Gibran
Today is the full moon. Two weeks ago we set plans in motion. Today some of those plans are showing fruit. But also plans we’ve had in the works for a long time. The full moon is in Libra. A sign about relationships. How we relate to the people around us. Not just the closest. But everyone around us. This means friends, co-workers, roommates. And yes lovers. Now is a time to think about how these bonds help you. Or hurt you. Do they create growth for you? Are you helping others grow? If the answer is no, then maybe it is time to let some of them go.
Early in the morning is a square with Saturn and Jupiter. Saturn is in the fire sign Sagittarius. And Jupiter in the earth sign Virgo. Our foundations right now might be just ideas. When we interact with the world do we live our ideas. The things we tell ourselves we believe. Do they show up in our service to others. And I use the word service in a broad way. Friendship can be a form of service. If we use it to enrich the other person. Virgo is about this service. About the practical of daily life. This is where Jupiter is pulling us. The large planet wants us to open our hearts. To put into action our words. But Sagittarius is the sign of lofty ideas. The person who imagines a perfect world. But does little to improve the world around them.
Next to come into play is Mercury. Sitting in Aries it will oppose the moon. While our emotions may be open to others. Our mind is focused on ourselves. There is an impulse to improve who we are as people. And this is good. But we can’t grow alone. Connecting to others and the full moon energy is important. Set your sights on being a strong you. So you have the best of yourself to give. This is always a balance. Finding time to nurture you. But also to be there for others.
Another balance is between the sun and moon. The sun also in Aries activates our ego. Later in the day the sun and Mercury align. This adds to a feeling of self first. Our egos may be telling us we don’t need other people today. The lunar eclipse could be a metaphor for this energy. The ego would block out our emotions. While the ego can thrive on its own. We need others for rich emotions. And others need what we have to share. The sun is about our passion. What drives us day to day in life. We need to honor this force. Right now it is in Aries. A sign about going it alone. And there are many parts of the path we do take alone. But we can remain connected to the whole.
A sextile with the moon and Mars occurs mid-morning. Mars acting in the sign of Sagittarius. This pulls us towards ideas. Living in the ideal world in our mind is easy. Mars is the ruler of Aries. And this gives the sun courage. We need these ideas in the world badly. Having Mars in this sign can help us express them. Mars is the warrior. The campaigner. The passionate believer. Use this energy to take ideas from your mind to the world. The world needs these ideas in the world. Not in our heads. Be change, express change, live change.
Early afternoon the sun and Mercury align. These two work together to focus our minds. To bring our passion and our thoughts together. Mercury is the planet of communication. So it may be a good day for sharing your ideas with others. A good day for planning. But it is also a good day for learning. Gaining some knowledge. This can give your passion a good base. Take time to think about new ideas. Find new ways to express your goals. To achieve your dreams. Today is a good day.
I moved for college. But I could have gone anywhere. I moved to Stockton for family. There was an idea in my mind. We would spend time together. And we would get to know each other. Be closer. It didn’t workout.
I did spend some time with my sister. I know once we went to my favorite coffee shop. It is almost a chapter in itself. But I was busy with school. My sister was busy with her own life. There is no blame. This is just how things turned out. Rather, I am sure what blame there is, is mine.
In my apartment complex I knew no one. There was a neighbor who had problems. I never called the landlord or the police. But one night someone else did. My apartment was over the carport. You could see in the window a little. One of the neighbor’s friends did once mention: “I always wondered who lived there.”
Then again I was rarely home.
At school I made a few friends. There was a woman I was attracted to in one of my classes. We even went out to coffee. But I think she was younger. And she clearly didn’t seem interested. Over time we just stopped talking to each other. Like so many other people in my life. It wasn’t a choice, but it happened by itself. There were a couple others I would talk to when I saw them on campus. But we weren’t friends. But when I wasn’t in class I wasn’t on campus.
At the tax job I worked mostly alone. Though I did get to know the couple who ran the office. There were some friendly women working in the office too. And we got along well. But not in a deep or lasting way. Once the job ended I never heard from any of them again. Except for the couple. A few years later I went back and had them do my taxes again.
The woman who hired me at the gas station job was odd. It wasn’t her only job. As a result she didn’t need to cash her pay checks. But I can talking to her. Once I used the word “tome” and another time “epistle.” She had told me before how she was so smart. It was the only reason I would use those words. I thought if she didn’t know what they meant, she’d like to know. She didn’t know, and didn’t want to know. And got upset. She was one of the people who know everything. If you agree with her your smart. If you don’t then your wrong and dumb. She never had much respect for the owner. And while there were things he did which were wrong. He did start several businesses in his life. And I’ve never even started one.
There was a younger man who worked there for a while. He did things his own way. Sometimes he knew the right way, and just didn’t care. But he was just young and still growing. He had a lovely girl friend and a child. At some point he got a better job as a painter. He just quit without notice. The owner said whoever hired him wasn’t smart. Because if he quit one job without notice, he would quit another the same way. But I hope things turned out for him.
After he quit the woman quit sometime later. She cashed all her checks and caused the owner a little problems. I am sure it wasn’t as bad as she had hoped. But after she left a Pakistani man worked with me. He was funny. Once I joked about putting my head in the oven. “No, no… don’t do this, it isn’t funny,” he said. And I thought how funny you think I could kill myself like in an electric oven. The doors wouldn’t close with my head in the way. And surely it would take a long time to do any damage. But he was always there, and a good worker. At this point I was doing most of the cleaning. He would give me a ride home.
For a while a woman worked at the store. I had no interest in her. But her sister came around sometimes and we flirted. Then one night I took her to my place. I may have made too much of a point about it not being serious. She was a nice girl. And the attraction was mutual. But I knew I’d be soon leaving town. Her sister had already quit working at the store at this point. And afterward I didn’t see either one of them again. It was a lesson.
The next person I worked with was Asian. He would say, “I’m not racist.” But he was. When he talked about black people he said they were thieves. You can’t trust them, he explained. Maybe he didn’t understand what being racist meant. I got along okay with him at work. We covered for each other. But he wasn’t someone I liked. When he dropped his phone in the toilet – I told him to turn it on. Even though I was pretty sure it was the wrong thing to do. He had to replace his phone.
Once someone brought in a fake $10 bill. After we found it in the drawer we got scared. Getting rid of it seemed like the only solution. Otherwise the owner would be angry. So, when a couple came in arguing he gave them the bill in their change. The couple left. About 10 minutes later they came back. The guy tried to buy something with the bill. My co-worker had the guts to tell him we couldn’t take the bill because it was fake. But the guy forgot who had given him the bill.
Towards the end of my time working there I cleaned less. The owner hired a Filipino man to clean. He wasn’t here legally. A fact I discovered when he gave me a ride home one night. At the store he was a good worker. Focused and hard working. He looked Hispanic so a lot of people tried to talk to him in Spanish. But he didn’t know the language. Some would get upset. I’d explain he was from the Philippines. One night he was giving me a ride home. We stopped at a red light. A cop car was at the signal to our right. I made a joke about not running the red light. Then he did run the red light. We got pulled over and he didn’t have any papers. The police let him go, but said I would have to drive. I drove to my place and then he drove home.
But all this is just school and work. While in Stockton I found a cute little coffee shop. And there was a cute girl there too. A couple of them to be honest. But one I had my eye on more than the others. A small group of us would hang out at the coffee shop. One of the guys I had known while living with my mother. He had lived downstairs from her apartment. At the coffee shop we hung out. I took a lot of pictures. It was about this time I got a good camera and started taking a lot of photos. Camera phones weren’t common at the time. Taking selfies had not become a national past-time. I still have those photos.
The girl lived down the street. She was younger than me. At times I thought there might be a potential. A couple times we went to her house. She lived with her father. Once I kissed her on the cheek. But then we spent less time together. I was wrong about the potential. And it was okay. It was a bit disappointing for me. But I wasn’t planning on staying in town long.
In my experience there are moments which bring people together. They form bonds and groups. Small networks of people and relationships. But then the moment passes and people drift away. When I got to know these friends it was summer. I had more free time. Then school came and we all had different priorities. One of the girls went to my college. When I saw her around campus we would spend some time together. But age does make a difference.
The name of the coffee shop was Lola’s. It is closed now. A good friend of mine came to visit one night. We went to the coffee shop. We had also spent time together in Boulder. While in Boulder we were often at a place named Lolita’s. She mentioned the odd fact.
One of the oddest friends I had in Stockton was LJ. He would come to my job at first. And it was okay to chat with him at work. At work I feel like I am a different person. I put on my friendly customer service face. But there is some security there, because they are just customers. But one day he called me on my cellphone. One of my co-workers had given him the number. And at first I was pissed. It was a stupid thing for him to do. But me and LJ did become good friends. He was gay and hoped I was gay too. Not the first and not the last time. But I told him I wasn’t and he respected me.
Well one time he saw a photo of me. I was laying on the grass. The camera was over my face when I had taken the image. Like someone looking down on me. He told me this was what he had always wanted to see. Kind of crossing the line, but he never pushed things beyond flirting. Thinking back I am sure being a black gay man in Stockton was an odd existence. When I moved out of Stockton he helped me move – and lost his van in the process. This is a story for later.
There were a few other people I knew from the gas station. A lady who worked for the police department in dispatch. She came in every night for iced tea. This was a perfect example of the customer service me relating to someone. And there was a girl who talked to me. She seemed to take a fancy to me. We got together outside of work once. But it went poorly. I don’t recall the details. But she wasn’t the kind of person I felt with which I had much in common.
When I left Stockton, I left them all behind. I tried to keep in touch with LJ, but it didn’t work out for long. Once settled in Arcata I was busy again. And we never really got very close. There are few people in my life I have gotten very close to, including family.