The darkness sits in the room. Like a second person. But there isn’t a second person. We’ve done wrong. Sinned against ourselves and God. No one is ever going to love us again. This is hell.

The Nine of Swords is as close as it comes to total defeat. We sit in our shame. And events from the past are relived in our mind. The woman at work. The person in traffic. An ex-lover, a former boss or even parents and family play their roles. The mind in this card is turned on itself. It cannot stop thinking about sins. For hours as you try to rest. It brings us image after image. Even after event from the past. And you know there is no forgiveness. How could there be when you can’t even forgive yourself.

In the last we had the eight of swords. We were bound, powerless. We couldn’t move. And maybe we cannot forgive ourselves now for allowing this to happen. But we need to be gentle with ourselves. If we had known better. We would have done better. Look back and understand it is past. Don’t be a victim to the past.

In this card we see a person sitting in bed. They weep openly. Their face covered by their hands. They can’t even face their shame. They are wearing a shapeless piece of clothing. We have lost ourselves in our sorrow. Our depression has taken over our lives. Its voice is all we hear in our head now. But it can change.

Above the figure nine swords sit on the wall. They are there like trophies. We focus so much on our failings. Winners put trophies on their walls of success. And we put our failures in the same place of honor. We may not have real trophies. But we obsess about them all the same. Our favorite sad songs sing in the back of our minds. And we fall again and again and again.

But this isn’t real. Go back to the moment honestly. You will see a person trying the best they can. If they didn’t love themselves at the time. It is all the more reason you should love them now. And love yourself now. Remember only love is real.

In the next card we have the Ten of Swords. The darkest card in the deck. It is total defeat. Not even death is as dark as this night. We become broken, lost and lonely figures in the world. But this doesn’t have to be our fate.

This card is trying to wake you up from the dream. There are things in your life you can change. Get up and change them before it is too late. And there are things you cannot change. Just learn to accept these things. Move on to the battles you can win. Of course the hardest part is knowing which is which. If there is a battle you are fighting. This is the time to ask yourself if you are failing. And if it would be better to let it go than to go on with the struggle. Or it may be you need to let the past go. We’ve all fallen down. All had broken hearts. All of us had dreams which didn’t come about in this life. And we all no doubt will again. This is the life we choose to live. And the more we focus on the mud, the less we can see the flowers.

This card is a dark card. But the darkness is inside of you. And all you have to do it turn on a light. The magical light always at your fingertips is called forgiveness. It means you forgive yourself. And you forgive others. They did not mean to harm you. What they did, was what they felt was the best. When it hurts it is hard to see the truth. And when it hurts it is hard to let it go. The biggest problem with this card is the pain never goes away. This card is telling you forgiveness will take the pain away forever. Then you can let it go. Let it go and allow yourself to heal.