Tag Archives: sleep

Today

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It was a good day. I spent most of it at home catching up on things. And my kitty spent most of the day napping next to me. She loves it when I am home all day.

Just before I got on here I had a good chat with a friend. Old friends are the best. I don’t mean friends who are old. Though they are okay too. She asked me a good question. Why do communities of artists seem to fail so often? And I don’t know. Maybe tomorrow I will try and write something to flush it out a little. Sometimes writing is a useful tool for me in understanding.

Right now it is bed time. So goodnight dear ones.

Day 5 of 9

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After three and a half hours sleep I started work at 5 a.m. in produce. I start same time tomorrow, but I should be getting more sleep. I am going to bed after I post.

Produce is pretty basic. We get a load every day. Today it was in when I got there, which is good. Sometimes it isn’t and it puts me behind a little. I culled, broke down the load, checked dates, stocked went on lunch, processed shrink and stocked some more. Ideally the load should be done before the 1 p.m. closer arrives. And I had it done.

I think it being basic is good in some ways. But it where I do my best. Anyway, here is to day 6 tomorrow. Yes, 5 a.m. comes early. Goodnight.

 

Debate Day

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I watched both debates today and I want to make a quick note about each candidate. Then go to sleep because I am tired.

Jeb Bush: As much as I want to say no because of his family, he did a good job. He isn’t Trump. He isn’t Rand Paul. If he keeps his little engine chugging he might make it to the main election. He did well tonight against Trump.

Ben Carson: I think Carson got into politics and into the race because he is a black man who disagrees with Obama. He sounds like a good man on stage. I admire his desire to avoid attacking other candidates. His great line tonight was about Trump being an “ok doctor.” But I don’t see him as a president.

Chris Christie: Behind Bush in tonight’s debate. He tried too hard. Played the 9/11 card twice. When will the 9/11 card ever get old? Like many on the stage tonight he loses me when he starts to talk about Planned Parenthood and abortion. I wouldn’t disagree with ending funding to Planned Parenthood as much as I disagree with taking away a couple’s right to choose.

Ted Cruz: While he has a fire for what he believes, I firmly disagree with him on too many of the social issues. Immigration, gay marriage and abortion just to name a few. He may be loved by the base, but I don’t see him winning a wide audience. Like someone else in the debate, he may have made his supporters happy and yet gained no ground.

Carly Fiorina: I misspelled her name all night, oops. She got a few good jabs in at Trump. She was the winner of the night. I predict she will get a bump in the polls. Hopefully at the cost of Trump. She was on her game tonight. While I still don’t know if I trust her, I am more open to her nomination than before the debate.

Lindsey Graham: All he could talk about all night was war in the Middle East. And not an air war. But he wants to send men and women to die in the worthless sands of Syria and Iraq. This man shouldn’t be allowed outside his own home. Maybe he needs to be medicated.

Mike Huckabee: I imagine he would make a great pastor. But he isn’t running for Pastor-in-Chief. Though he seems to think he is. I don’t trust him because of his slant towards religious law over secular law. We are a nation of many people’s and many gods. It would be dangerous to drift away from a secular foundation to the nations laws.

Bobby Jindal: He waited too long, he should have jumped into the last election. Sure he would have lost, but it would have set the stage for this election. He did little to stand out in the fracas. I doubt most Americans know him any better after this debate than before.

John Kasich: I’ll be happy when he drops out of this race so I don’t have to look at how to spell his name again. Just another of the pack, he does tack a little more to the center, and I would prefer him to many others on the stage. But, in the end I do not see a path to victory for him.

George Pataki: Playing the 9/11 card. Really. There were no real standout moments in the debate for him. Like Kasich, Fiorina and Jindal, he just didn’t set himself apart from the scrum.

Rand Paul: He is the man I want to see in the Oval Office. However, in tonight’s debate he did little to gain ground. The people who already love him will love the debate. Those who don’t know him or don’t stand with him probably were not wooed.

Marco Rubio: He had a strong night. He needs to keep fighting to stay in the game. He is probably one of the core candidates who will make it through the first primaries. Like Cruz, he has a strong base. He didn’t win me over, and I doubt he won over many other people.

Rick Santorum: A less likable version of Mike Huckabee. In the debate he seemed to have a bad word to say about everyone. I don’t trust him due to his religious believes mixing with his political beliefs. Oh yeah, look up his last name in the Urban Dictionary.

Donald Trump: He would be a bad president. I don’t trust him, I don’t like many of the things he has said during this race. But I haven’t approved of his fowl behavior for years. If he wins the candidacy I would fear for America. But I don’t seem him being the nominee, and I don’t see him defeating a democrat.

Scott Walker: He should have stayed out of the race and just been a hero to conservatives. In some ways he is like Ralph Nader. Who was a hero to progressives. Then he ran for president and lost. And ran again and lost. But, the point is getting into the ring didn’t do anything but tarnish his image. I think Walker is only losing in this bid for president. No one is perfect, but his errors wouldn’t have ever been given the highlight if he hadn’t run. And he doesn’t have a stand on the issues much different than half the other candidates.

Rick Perry: Made the right choice.

I see Huckabee as the next one out, followed by Kasich, Graham, Santorum and Pataki.

My bet is Paul will stay in the fight until the end. But he will sadly lose.

Ann Coulter:  Not a candidate, but apparently went on an epic rant about Jews in America. Was she drunk?

Ok, besides the debate I went to the gym. It is now late. I need sleep. I need to work tomorrow. Goodnight.

Annie Dillard

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I am reading Pilgrim at Tinker Creek. The Annie Dillard book. It is a journey of nature and mind. Written about a creek in Virginia.

The tone, the beauty. It inspires me to write. Annie isn’t a writer. She is a painter. You can feel the wind in her words. They glow with the sunshine. There is so much beauty in every day. But we miss it because we are busy. We don’t stop. We don’t look.

And we wonder why our lives are dry and dull.

I want to write. To paint the scene on the page. If I could only learn how to type.

I am sitting on my bed spread. It is black and white. Flowers of black with a white background. On pillows in the corner. In deep sleep. My Baby Girl rests. Sound asleep. She is also black and white. She looks like a Holstein cow. I guess I don’t know cows. I thought it was a Jersey cow. Until I just checked it on Google.

Where did we get information before Google?

My bed now is a mess. Piles of books. A bag of cheese bread sticks from Wal-Mart. The books are both from the library and some I own. I read far too many books at the same time. Or rather I try to read.

Right now I think maybe I am reading five or six. Cat toys are on my bed from when I cleaned the floor.

The time for rest is nearing. I will join Baby Girl in dream land. Maybe tomorrow I will continue on my novel. But today I needed a break.

Work was good. A new worker asked me today, “you bounce around all over the place?” I replied it was just what I did. “Is that why they hired you for?” “No.”

But I like it. It is always a different day. Yesterday it was deli for most of the day. Today I spent a lot of time in Dairy stocking eggs and milk. We sell gallons and gallons of milk at our store.

Some days I push carts. Some I run the register. Some I feel like I run from one thing to the next all day long. But I still like it.

An older man asked me today to help him get some sugar off the top shelf. I’ll meet you over there I told him. There was another person with a question. Then I did something else and forgot. But then I remembered and when I turned to walk down the main aisle I could see him peaking around the corner. I apologized. But he was friendly about the whole encounter.

I am trying at work to not speak in a negative way about my co-workers. Some of them don’t make it easy. Judged by my own standards they are not performing their job duties. What I have to remember is I am not paid to monitor what they do or how they spend their time. Just focus on what is the task before me and focus on doing it the best I can. Tomorrow is day 5 of 8.

What I have to understand is my standards are mine.

When I think of you…

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When I think of you I feel guilty. I treat you poorly. There is a bitter part of myself which wants to be mean to you, and is often and persistently.

When I think of you I feel lonely. I miss you. I miss the river, the walks, the French, the food, the house, the cats, the reading, the talking, the being friends. I miss you like I miss food. I miss you like I miss the things from my childhood. I miss you like a home, though I’ve never had one. I miss you and I miss you often and persistently.

When I think of you I feel bad for being a jerk. I ignore you calls. I don’t call you back. At times I think you should just give up on being my friend. I wouldn’t be surprised if one day you did. Or maybe you already have. I am a jerk because I feel so many things, and the relationship you seem to want isn’t deep enough to express them. But I am a jerk, because I choose to be. And I don’t know why but I choose to be a jerk often and persistently.

When I think of you I feel like your better off without my Melrose Place drama in your life. I wonder if it isn’t better for both of us to not engage in the emotional turmoil we seem to get sucked into when we connect. And when we don’t connect, but only talk I feel like I am bleeding in the street and everyone is driving by, without stopping. I feel like I hurt you more though contact, than through my absence. I doubt you need a friend like me, I doubt that often and persistently.

When I think of you, I think I still love you. You’re like a part of me, you feel so close. Even when we haven’t spoken for so long, I feel like I could call you and it wouldn’t matter. But it does. I love you because you make me want to be a better person. I just love you for who you are, and who I want to be with you. It isn’t just the Ayn Rand books, it isn’t just a shared love of learning. It is more and more than all the words I could write. It is your sap I love. I really love you often and persistently.

When I think of you I feel like a failure. No, not in terms of our relationship – for which I have to much hope for still to feel like a failure. No, my life. I feel like I want to have a career, to be a person you could be proud to know. The person you thought I was when we were in college together. The person you thought I was when we were together. A person who doesn’t live in a cheap rented room, alone with a cat. A person who doesn’t have a low-pay job, he could have done without the college degree for which he isn’t paying his loans. A person who can and does pay his loans. I want to be John Galt, so you could be my love. I feel like a failure when I don’t think of you too though. I feel like a failure often and persistently.

When I think of you I worry about you. I guess I worry about your career, but you are smarter than I – even though I once said different. I worry about your health. I feel like Forest Gump who would drop everything to run to you and care for Jenny in her illness. I want you to be well. I don’t want to worry about your health. I feel like a bad friend because I don’t know if you are well. Even if you wanted me to, I wouldn’t even know to come to you. In a silly way, I worry about your relationships – just because I there is still a part of me confident enough to believe no one loves you as much as I. When I think of you I worry about you, I worry about you often and persistently.

There are so many things which make me think of you. The cat. Bunny. Some days just the news itself makes me think of you. So many things I see on Facebook. Politics. Donald Trump. Listening to the CDs you gave me (of which I have cloned). I think of you at night, I think of you at work. I think of you in this world which is haunted by you. When I feel alone I think of you the most. When I think of you I feel alone the most. I think of you often and persistently.

Can you see why I don’t try to connect with you more? Where are my sleeping pills? Where is bunny? I need some ice cream and sleep right now.

Poor Malala

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After all she has been through, my cat threw up on her face today. Well on the picture of her face on her book which I am reading. It is a good book, a lot about life in Pakistan. It goes without saying life in Pakistan is not like life in America. But it is more than the material differences. The life of her homeland, not Pakistan but the Swat Valley (It isn’t Brooklyn, it is Park Slope), makes clear the western view of the war on terror is misguided. If there is any solution for the region, I don’t think it is a solution we can lead.

On other matters. I have been pretty down lately. Not writing, not reading much, not eating much, not doing much of anything except working and sleeping. Yay for life…. not so much.

Work, so I found out who the new department manager is going to be for the deli. One of the areas I work. I saw one of my co-workers clearly upset, and asked her what was the problem. She was upset about the choice for the new manager, but I am rather pleased by the choice. I might have liked it, and my upset co-worker wanted the job. But truth is nether one of us would have gotten it, if it hadn’t been the person chosen it would be someone else. I hope to learn a lot from the new manager, and then someday be ready for my own promotion.

I think I want to give up on my novel and start a secret project. All I want to discuss is progress or lack of progress. Nothing of the plot or subject matter will be discussed. I feel like it makes it easier for my creative process to work in a little darkness.